Police “Bullshit” and the Florida DUI Typical Script

By: John Guidry

Back when I started defending criminal cases in 1993, many sheriff’s offices in Central Florida had “in-car videos” recording DUI arrests. Then, a funny thing happened: those cameras started disappearing. Why? Because the agencies were “losing too many cases.”

Let’s face it—without video, it’s a lot easier for an officer to rely on what I call “law enforcement bullshit.” I’m not just being salty; there’s a scientific distinction here. In his famous essay On Bullshit, Professor Harry Frankfurt argues that a liar still cares about the truth (they just want to hide it), but a bullshitter doesn’t care about the truth at all. To a bullshitter, the truth is “totally beside the point.”

In the trenches of Orange and Seminole County courtrooms, I see this every day in DUI arrest affidavits. It’s the “typical script”—a regurgitation of legally appropriate phrases designed to survive a Motion to Suppress, regardless of what actually happened on the side of the road.

Was your DUI arrest affidavit filled with “boilerplate” language that doesn’t match reality? Don’t let a “script” determine your future. Call John Guidry at (407) 423-1117.

The Anatomy of a Lie: The D.A.V.I.D. System Doesn’t Sleep

Sometimes, the bullshit crosses over into an outright, verifiable lie. I once had a client stopped in Orlando because the officer claimed in his report: “I observed the defendant driving, recognized him as a habitual traffic offender (HTO), and verified such through the D.A.V.I.D. system prior to stopping the vehicle.”

Inside that car, the cops found enough drugs in the trunk to trigger a mandatory prison sentence. My client swore the cop didn’t even know his name. To prove it, I did some digging:

• The Paper Trail: I pulled the D.A.V.I.D. (Driver and Vehicle Information Database) records from Tallahassee and compared them to the dispatch records.
• The “Smoking Gun”: Sure enough, the digital logs showed the officer didn’t run my client’s name until 21 minutes after the stop.
• The Result: The reason for the stop was a complete lie. Because the initial stop was illegal, everything found in the trunk was thrown out. Case dismissed.

Painting the Lawn Green: The DUI Script

Most cases aren’t that clean-cut. More often, it’s the “bullshit” Laura Penny describes in her book, Your Call Is Important to Us. She says making things up is like “painting the lawn green when the queen comes to town. The grass may well be green to start with, but it ain’t that green.”

In a DUI report, the “green paint” looks like this:

• “Bloodshot, watery eyes” (Even if you just worked a 12-hour shift).
• “Slurred speech” (Even if you speak perfectly clearly on the jailhouse intake video).
• “Unsteady on feet” (Even if the road was sloped and you were wearing flip-flops).

This “typical script” has been the backbone of DUI arrests for the 18+ years I’ve been focused on them. Without video verification, it’s your word against a “professional” who knows exactly which words to use to get a conviction.

John’s Takeaways

• The Script is Real: Many DUI reports use the same “boilerplate” descriptions. If every arrest looks the same, none of them are likely 100% accurate.
• D.A.V.I.D. Logs Don’t Lie: Technology can be a defense. We can track when an officer actually ran your plates or your name to see if their “reason for the stop” holds water.
• Absence of Video is a Red Flag: If an agency doesn’t use body cams or dash cams in 2025, you have to ask: what are they trying to hide?
• “HTO” Stops are Targeted: If you are a Habitual Traffic Offender, police often look for any excuse to pull you over. We must hold them to the strict legal standard for that stop.
• Question Everything: A “failure of proof” often starts with a single inconsistency in a police report.

The justice system is harsh, and it is “sad but true” that some officers prioritize a “typical script” over the actual truth. Whether you were stopped in Osceola, Lake, Brevard, or Volusia County, you need an attorney who knows how to spot the “green paint” on the grass.

I’ve been holding law enforcement accountable since 1993. If their report sounds like a canned script, it’s time to start digging for the truth.

Facing these charges? Call John at (407) 423-1117.

About the Author, John Guidry II

John Guidry II is a seasoned criminal defense attorney and founder of the Law Firm of John P. Guidry II, P.A., located in downtown Orlando next to the Orange County Courthouse, where he has practiced for over 30 years. With more than three decades of experience defending clients throughout Central Florida since 1993, Guidry has successfully defended thousands of cases in Orange, Seminole, Osceola, Brevard, Lake, and Volusia counties. He has built a reputation for his strategic approach to criminal defense, focusing on pretrial motions and case dismissals rather than jury trials.

Guidry earned both his Juris Doctorate and Master of Business Administration from St. Louis University in 1993. He is a member of the Florida Bar and the Florida Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. His practice encompasses the full spectrum of Florida state criminal charges, with a particular emphasis on achieving favorable outcomes through thorough pretrial preparation and motion practice.

Beyond the courtroom, Guidry is a prolific legal educator who has authored over 400 articles on criminal defense topics. He shares his legal expertise through his popular YouTube channel, Instagram, and TikTok accounts, where he has built a substantial following of people eager to learn about the law. His educational content breaks down complex legal concepts into accessible information for the general public.

When not practicing law, Guidry enjoys tennis and pickleball, and loves to travel. Drawing from his background as a former recording studio owner and music video producer in the Orlando area, he brings a creative perspective to his legal practice and continues to apply his passion for video production to his educational content.